October 04, 2007
By KEVIN SAMPSELL, The Associated Press
The other day a customer asked me when the "Confederacy of Dunces" movie was coming out and I didn't know what they were talking about.
After a quick Google search I did indeed learn that the film rights were snagged a few years back by Steven Soderbergh and was slated to have Will Ferrell as the great Ignatius J. Reilly.
But Hollywood's shifting winds blew the project into a dusty corner and it has yet to be cleaned off. Which may be a good thing.
Some books just seem too unruly for adaptation. Sometimes it can be miraculous (David Cronenberg's "Naked Lunch"), disastrous ("Running With Scissors"), or unrecognizable (like how they took Nick Hornby's soccer classic "Fever Pitch" and made it a baseball romance starring Drew Barrymore). I decided to take five popular books and imagine what they'd be like in the evil claws of Hollywood.
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"Vox" by Nicholson Baker.
As directed by Woody Allen.
Starring Hugh Jackman and Scarlett Johansson.
The plot: A man and woman meet on a 1-800 sex line and explore each other's boundaries over the phone in this 1992 bestseller. It's the perfect vehicle for Allen's talky style and allows the director to go into smuttier territory than he's ever been before. We knew he had it in him. Jackman's mix of suave and skeeviness and Johansson's phone-sex ready pipes could make this a perv classic.
The obligatory Hollywood tinkering: Things have changed in the world since 1992. I'm sure cell phones, IMs and chat rooms would be thrown into the mix. Monica Lewinsky, who gave a copy of "Vox" to Bill Clinton back in the day, would be mentioned. Lewinsky would make a cameo.
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"The Satanic Verses" by Salman Rushdie.
As directed by Ron Howard.
Starring Sacha Baron Cohen and Penelope Cruz.
The plot: A famous Indian movie star (Cruz) and a Bombay expatriate (Cohen) returning home literally fall from the sky after their plane explodes over the English Channel. Rushdie's fantastical and controversial book (remember the fatwa?) explored the differences between the two Indian characters in dream-like sequences where the movie star morphs into some kind of an archangel and the expatriate starts to grow hooves and horns (both characters were male in the book, but hey -- where's the Hollywood romance there?) Director Howard tries to redeem himself here after his last literary blunder, "The Da Vinci Code."
The obligatory Hollywood tinkering: Of course, two real Indian actors would not be trusted to make this movie popular for Americans, thus Cohen (a Brit) and Cruz (Spanish) are recruited. Although a director like Terry Gilliam would probably make a good movie out of this book, Howard's version would likely be more like "Splash," with a touch of spice from the Koran.
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"Veronica" by Mary Gaitskill.
As directed by Sofia Coppola.
Starring Vanessa Anne Hudgens and Winona Ryder.
The plot: Gaitskill's sprawling novel, about a young model named Alison (Hudgens from "High School Musical") and her friendship with Veronica, a quirky proofreader (Ryder), turned into a surprise hit. Set in San Francisco, New York, Paris, and Rome, Coppola's vibrant style would offer a visual balance to Gaitskill's sensuous but uneven story.
The obligatory Hollywood tinkering: In the book, Veronica dies of AIDS, but Hollywood is still scared by the big A. Veronica would get the big C instead. And even though Gaitskill often writes with a rock 'n' roll attitude, the soundtrack would be full of '80s synth-pop.
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"Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light" edited by Rev. Brian Kolodiejchuk.
As directed by Martin Scorsese.
Starring Angelina Jolie.
The plot: The newest book on the life of Mother Teresa contains mostly letters written by the beatified nun, revealing a surprising lack of faith in God's presence in her own life. Scorsese, who directed "The Last Temptation of Christ," would put a similarly dark and eyebrow-raising spin on this screen adaptation. Angelina Jolie, after a strenuous fast and some makeup work, would star as the tortured Nobel Prize winner. An award-winning humanitarian in her own right, Jolie would bring her own personal emotions to the role.
The obligatory Hollywood tinkering: An ill-advised romantic subplot with Nicolas Cage as an incense-huffing monk and some dream-like scenes where Jesus, played by Brad Pitt, scolds the nun for her shoddy hospital work.
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"Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris.
As directed by The Farrelly Brothers.
Starring Adrian Brody.
The plot: Brody plays this expat writer hilariously trying to learn French and adapting to a new culture. In Sedaris' book, there are also essays about his strange, sometimes cringe-inducing family. The Farrellys would mix these characters into the screenplay, with sister Amy playing herself and Steve Carell playing "The Rooster," his white trash brother, Paul.
The obligatory Hollywood tinkering: Perhaps the ultimate book-to-movie sin -- the Farrellys would make David straight! Cameron Diaz dances around more in her underwear, but this time while going over French verbs. David (Brody doing his best nasally NPR voice) romances Diaz at a bakery. Hilarity ensues.
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Kevin Sampsell is asap's Book Pusher, reporting on the word scene from the inside. Sampsell is an event coordinator at Powell's Books in Portland, Ore. He also runs a micro empire called Future Tense Publishing.
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